A Wife Requests CDD

By: J

Honey,

Yep, you guessed it another letter.

Sorry. I have been trying to talk all weekend, but the words won't come out. They would have but when I finally got loosened up enough to talk, we had company, who needed us.

I promise though, this is it; seriously, from now on I will talk, or forever hold my peace. I PROMISE! ok, I promise to try.

Now where to begin, to keep this short, to the point, and intelligible. More like it should be, and not like I usually am! =) I am trying to make it as bearable as possible for you. This will not be one of my normal, "I am so sorry, I am so awful, I am such an emotional, crazy, needy woman" letters. I will not do that. I am a capable, reasonable, logical, semi-responsible, woman. I will not whine, I will not cry, I will only state the facts and be open, honest, and straight forward. I am trying to improve, because if you have taught me nothing else, you have taught me that I am not an idiot, and I have no reason for my lack of self confidence and fears. I am a rational, capable human being.

That said, I will not make any apologies for what I say here, or how I feel. We may have to agree to disagree, but I know that you want me to have my own feelings and opinions. You have taught me that I do NOT have to be ashamed, or apologetic for them.

Over the past few weeks of praying and thinking and praying, I have come to realize, accept and trust that you love me. ( I know, it has taken me long enough huh?). I know you will not hurt me, degrade me, or shame me if my views are different that yours. I know that you value me, respect me, and want me to be the woman God intended me to be. I know you cherish me beyond anything on this earth. I am not sure why I have had such issues with this, or why it has taken me all these years to accept this. I am not just now accepting this, it has been a process over the past few years, but I am just now, gaining the full knowledge that you totally and completely love me, just as I do you.

I know I am already rambling. But I guess I just have to tell you what I have been dealing with and why, before I delve into the secrets of my soul... I hope you can understand. I hope I am being clear. Please talk to me about this.

It is like I was trying to say the other night when we were out. I obviously have had some major trust issues. They have nothing to do with you in particular; I just have a fear of completely trusting anyone, and honestly, I have been scared of needing you or being dependent on you. Alas, I digress; I am completely in need of you, and dependent on you. Not in a bad, "I can't function on my own" type way, more of a heart way. Can you understand that?

I am intelligent enough to physically make it on my own, but my soul needs yours, my heart needs yours, my body needs yours. Those kinds of needs, the good kinds of needs. I have a God-given desire to be led by you, to need you, to help you, and support you. I fought it for oh so long, but now I know it is only natural, placed there in the beginning of time by God Himself. I am a woman, and my fulfillment comes from being your helpmeet, being a mother, being a woman after God's design.

However, I am not complete without you, your love, your support, your desire, your leadership, your authority. As Christ will someday present the Church, His Bride, clean and spotless before the Lord, so must you present me. I want to do everything I can to help you do that.

I don't want us appearing before the Lord on judgment day as separate people, but, instead as one, as God intends. I don't want to say to Him, "well, I just didn't feel like letting him be accountable for me. I know it was your way Lord, but you know, I didn't agree with it." I don't want you to have to say, "I tried Lord, but the woman would not work with me. She was awful stubborn, so I had to give up." I know that sounds silly, but you understand what I mean, don't you?

God gave us roles. He gave woman the desire for her husband, and He told her husband to lead, guide, and protect her. That is why you are accountable for this house and I am not as much. Yes, I am accountable to God for my own actions, I am past the age of accountability, I am accountable for what I teach or don't teach my children, but on this earth I am accountable to you, and to God. You on the other hand have the hard part of the deal; you are accountable for ALL of us, before God.

Therefore, I have come to realize, it is my job to help you, (be a helpmeet), and to support you, and I haven't been doing that. I know I still have a long way to go, and a lot of control issues still yet, but I am working on those, which leads me to the next part of this one sided conversation. I am praying this does not come across as insane, and that it will start us into a two sided conversation, and some form of agreement on how our house should be running, and in what direction our life together should be headed. I want to please you in all that I do and I know you want the same, so let's discuss it. I hate writing letters as much as you hate reading them. So let's just have some serious adult conversations. I know, I know, neither of us are adults yet, you have made that point; but maybe we should try to be sometimes. Don't you think?

Ok, so now you know how I feel about things, and I hope you know I want to give you completely and totally, your place as head of this home. However, I think when I broached this before with you, I was not clear, that I asked too much of you, and that I asked it in a way that made it sound like I was asking you to be a dictator, judge, jury, and executioner, to be my conscience and my soul.

Of course, that is not what I was asking, but you know my communication, grammar, and vocabulary skills are lacking. You know I have a hard time, saying what I mean. So I hope you can read my mind, or at least between my lines. At least try ok?

When I approached you before and ask you to help me be better, and to be accountable, I went about it all in the wrong way. I asked in a way that made it sound like I wanted to pay penance, or wanted you to beat me into submission because I was not capable of holding myself accountable. Really that is not what I was asking. I only know you felt this way because you told me that night, the one you don't completely recall; on the swing, and it has weighed heavily on my mind since then.

I can't believe, I was so silly and approached it in such a way that made you feel that way. I know that I was thinking I had found a solution, and jumped the gun in a really bad way, because I knew what I had wanted for a long time, and just wanted to share, but instead I freaked you out, and hurt you. I am SORRY for that.

I think what I was trying to say, is I need your support and your help, because that is what you are here for. I can't find the words right now to say what it is I am trying to say. I do NOT fear you, and never would FEAR you, I do not submit out of fear, I would NOT submit out of fear; that is not submission; that is slavery. I submit because it is right, I submit because I love and respect you, I submit because I completely and totally trust you.

I know you would never harm me, you would never abuse me, you would never abuse your power or position as head of home. I know you would go the other extreme first, I trust you that much, I know you that well. Why else would what I said have bothered you so badly? You cherish me and I know that, now more than ever. I submit to you for the same reasons you submit to God. I know, I am such a girl, but really, I have to deal with things differently than you.

Ok, so on we go, sorry, I just can't get over my rambling problems, "I was born a rambling woman...trying to be a woman and doing the best I can..." ok, sorry.. uncalled for I know..

When I wrote that letter, I was so excited to finally be brave enough to tell you what I had thought for years, and to know that I was not a weirdo or freak, that I just blurted out a bunch of crap, in random order, and I never really talked about what the real issue was, or what the problem was. I dwelt on the physical, and not the emotional, rational side of things. I never painted the whole picture; I painted a box and said, "guess what's inside?" However, the physical was not the point at all, the accountability was, the need for your leadership, the need for your support, the reality of my trust and devotion to you.

Now I am not saying that I don't think physical couldn't help in some areas, I have thought about that a lot, and studied it and I know it could. But that is not what I was trying to say, that is not at all what this is about, or what I am about. I was simply presenting an option, and giving you "blanket" consent so to speak. That is not at all what I really meant to talk about in that letter. I just got hung up I guess.

However, I will tell you, (probably to my own detriment) if I actually thought you were going to "whip me" as you say, for smoking, I would think twice about lighting a cigarette. I probably would choose not to. I am hard-headed and it may take me a trip or two across the knee to learn, but I guarantee you I am no idiot, I learn quickly. If I thought for one second you were serious, or if you showed me once you really were serious, crap, honey you know me, I would be all about quitting. I am not in anyway a pain junky, and pain does NOT turn me on.. HA! I am a wimp and proud of it, and no I would not sneak it.. goofy, because I would be leery that if you were that serious, then it would be worse for sneaking.

However, I know you are not serious, and I am ok with that. I will find a way to quit on my own, someday. And, just let me say, it is perfectly fine that you do not enforce that rule. I can completely respect that and uh, no problem there, at all. Well, you see I like smoking, and well, I like my cold butt (you always say I have the coldest butt.. I just had to throw that in...) In fact I like the two together... You know, sitting on the cold porch, smoking and freezing my butt off! =)

Ok, seriously now. I don't want to get sidetracked on the physical subject again. I want to talk about accountability, roles, and responsibilities. I want to do my job. I want to be your confidant and counselor, but I want to do it in a respectful, deferring the final authority to you, sort of way. I want you to make the final decision on what is best for us in our lives. I hope you know and believe that.

I have been reading and studying as you know for a long time on roles of husbands and wives, and more recently on authority, love, respect, honesty, accountability, etc. As you know, I printed everything I found for a while. At first, the only stuff I found was extreme, and even though it had good info, it was not exactly what I was trying to say to you because much of it verged on the edge of dictatorship, but out of desperation to explain myself, I printed it anyway. But, since then, (you knew that was coming didn't you..) I found good info, from good people, who love, God, and love each other.

These are Christian men who love their wives as much as you love me; men who want their wives to be strong, independent, useful, women and helpers, and companions; men who want to cherish, protect, and help them; men who were written letters just like you were; men who had the same initial reaction as you; men who thought their wives had "done flew over the coo coo's nest"; men who value their wives opinions and brains.

Also, the ladies are Christian ladies; ladies who were just like I was several years ago. They were threatening to leave at every fight, trying to control, pushy, bossy, disrespectful, but who found submission through the Bible; ladies who wanted to be what God intends them to be; ladies who knew what they had really wanted (a strong man) all along; ladies who saw a need, who were embarrassed to admit it, but who finally gave up and told those men I mentioned above.

Some of these couples use physical discipline, some don't, but all strive to live the way God intended them to. They all do what works best for them, just as we should. You/we just have to figure out what best is, and what better way to get new ideas than to read what others do?

Anyway, I have read their stories, their struggles and their questions. I have asked some questions myself. Just today, I asked a question of the ladies, and I am waiting on responses. When they are posted, I will print them for you, along with my question. Anyway, I have been interrupted several times, so I am afraid, this has started in the same direction as last time. So let me try once again to get back on subject.

All in all, I still need accountability, but in a way that you think will work. I need it in a way that works for both of us, that lets you have some sort of enforcement, is feasible for us and our relationship, and in a way that works for YOU. I can't base our relationship on all these others. What works for one, may not work for another. I am not coming to you again asking you to "whip me", that is NOT what this is about.

I am only asking what I was asking the first time, for accountability and leadership. I know that is a massive request and responsibility, and that it is something that does not develop overnight, especially when you have been beat up and emasculated as much as you have been by me. I know it is not something that is taught to you as little boys. I know it is not something that is preached in the Church,(although I did find a good online sermon on the roles of men.. and NO it does not say "whip your wife" LOL)

I am not asking you become someone or something you are not. I am only asking for you/us to be what God wants us to be. With your leadership, we can do that. For you to pray for us, and guide us, and help me, I mean really, really help me, with my flaws, in turn, I will support you and pray for you in any areas you ask. I do pray for you several times a day, for your health, your wisdom, your job, your leadership, everything in your life. I hope you know that.

I know I am asking a lot of you, and I know you have a lot on you already. I just see a solution, an answer to the prayer and dream I had even as a little girl, to have a wonderful loving, in control, strong husband, who would cherish, protect, love and guide me, and to have a Christ centered marriage and family. I do have that, and you are all of those things, but I still could use improvement. Each of us could always improve. I know we will never be perfect, but we can work on it can't we? I can't do it alone, and I know that if I ask, I won't have to.

I know you have Christ and that you love me like He loves me and that you love your family like He loves your family, and that you always strive for what is best for us. Please don't think I am accusing you of not being man enough, or provider enough, or leader enough, I am not. I know you are all those things, and more; I just need you to guide me, and help me. Does that make sense? Once again, I don't think I have made my point at all. I don't think you can see what I am asking, but I don't think I can tell you what I am asking. I am so sorry I have the communication skills of a 5 year old. (" I want, I want, I want, I need, I need, I need, I this, I that, you this, you that, give me, give me, do this, do that, hurry up, slow down, yes, no, maybe, go, stay, sit, stand...) Yes I know that is how I communicate.

So anyway, if you read this, then you will be able to ask questions and start a conversation that I can't seem to start. Then maybe I can open up a bit more, without fear of hurting you again. This is not about discipline, this is, has always been, about relationship, roles, order, striving to be better, loving as much as we can, pleasing each other, living life to it's fullest, having the marriage God intended us to have when He brought us together. It is about a lifestyle so to speak, a "God, Christ, you, me" lifestyle and marriage.

None of this is to tell you how to be, or to say "this is how things work" that would be control. This is to tell you what I think I need. Its my opinion, for you to weigh, consider, and pray about, to figure out what works for us. I know you always say you want my input, so here it is. My input, it is just that; my input. I am not trying to control, I am trying to let you decide, but give you my input, some ideas, some things that might work, some solutions. As I think I should and would think you would want. The ball is now in your court, you decide and I will follow.

What do we need to work on? Where are we lacking? Where am I lacking? Where are you lacking? How can we better our marriage and ourselves? How can we be closer to God? How can we establish a Christ centered marriage? How can you hold me accountable for my actions, my harmful behaviors, my lack of self discipline? How can I help you to be a better leader, husband, father? How can I help you be accountable? We are in this together. It is a "49% me/51% you" relationship, or at least it should be, and that is what I would like to see happen. I am attaching to this, the question I asked and the responses I have received thus far (if I have any by the time I print) Also the question that I told you a man ask, the one that sounded like you ask it, and the responses to it.

There is TONS of information in the folder I gave you, some on discipline, some not. Ideas for physical and non physical accountability, how to's, and what fors. I presented it all even the slightly extreme stuff, but we can discuss all that after you read it. K?k! If I have no responses to my question, then well I will show them to you when I get them. Surely you have enough in the last 7 pages to keep you busy a while. **big evil grin**

Ok, so that is about it I guess. I have read and reread this a few times, and it still is not saying what I want it to, but it is closer, and I give up for now. I have other things to do today, as I am sure you are well aware. I am at your side and on your side, until eternity, I hope you know and believe that. I love you for all you are, and all that I am with you. You complete me. I pray I complete you. Don't judge me because I feel so strongly about this, don't be hurt or upset by my words, my conclusions were drawn through prayer, Bible study and more prayer, and lots of reading.

I LOVE YOU!!

Love, Me