What's Your Wife Really Saying?
Ok, so your wife has asked you for accountability. She has even brought you information that talks about corporal punishment; however, I will not broach that subject here. So what is she REALLY saying? What is she really asking for? What does she really want from you?
So, let's start from the beginning. Have you and your wife been in a power struggle since the beginning of your marriage? Have you fought over silly things, little things? Do you think that she thinks she is always right? I bet if you are reading this from your wife, then you can answer yes to all of the above.
Well, the first thing she wants you to know is: She wants to change. She does not want the control. She has realized that she is not always right. She has realized she needs you. She has realized she can trust you to always try and do what is best for her. So where does that leave you? Scary as it may seem, it leaves you, in control. Yep, you there, Mr. Man, in your God-appointed role as head of your home. It is a big responsibility, but, it is one that you must assume.
So, now you have MANY questions. Well let me try to list them, and answer them one at a time.
1. How do I know she is serious and why all of the sudden does she want me in control?
I am going to make a few assumptions, as follows:
- I will assume if you are reading this article, posted on a Christian Domestic Discipline / Traditional Christian Marriage website, that your wife is a Christian and she believes you to be one also.
- I will assume that in recent history your wife has began to study Biblical marriage roles, submission and love.
- I will assume that you have already, in recent history, viewed some changes in your marriage and your wife. Maybe she is already trying to submit more, but maybe you are unsure of her motives because of your history with her. Maybe you have not stepped up to the plate as leader or maybe you are afraid to, because in the past every time you have tried she has struck you out.
So, now here comes this feisty, hard headed, strong willed, modern woman, the woman you love, and she says "Hey honey, how about I submit, you lead, and you hold me accountable?" Ok, now after you put your teeth back in your mouth what do you say? You said "Uhhh, Uhhh, well, uhhh, hmmm, nope I don't think that is my place..." Now you are scared. You don't feel worthy to lead her. You are not perfect. Besides that, she will just fight you when push comes to shove. She doesn't really want this, and she does not want you in control.
Well, my friend, she does. She has studied it for a while now, she has thought about it, and she knows that it is right for you to be head of the house. She knows she is tired, even exhausted from the constant power struggle. She is serious, she has come to accept the role assigned to her by God, and God's decision to place you in charge of your house. She knows you well enough to know you will not abuse any power God has given you. She knows you are not perfect, but she wants to follow you. She trusts you that much. She has gone as far as to offer you corporal punishment as an option, as a token of her trust in you, but my friend, that is not what this is about.
What this is about is you being the leader in your home. Not micromanaging her life, not making decisions without her, not about you demanding her to wait on you hand and foot, not about her being your slave. It is about a mutual respect, love, and position. It is about a cooperative, where you hold 51% of the vote and she holds the other 49%. She obviously knows you value her opinion, and her input, or else she would not trust you this much. You have earned her love and respect; she has let down her walls of defense and is willing to let you as far into her heart as you will come.
I am a woman, I know women. Women crave masculine authority. It is as natural to us as breathing, we just don't like to admit we need it sometimes. We do not crave violence, tyranny, dictators, or abusers, but loving, masculine, assured, and in-control men. Men who make us feel like women, men who we can trust to protect us with their lives, who cherish us as rubies, but who are also willing to keep us from destroying ourselves and our relationship with them. We crave and are attracted to men who have a calm control, a firm hand, and a soft heart. It is about you being in charge, in-control, secure and steady.
Yes, sometimes you may not have a clue what to do. You may not feel worthy. You may be a nervous wreck, but we need to see your "John Wayne" side, the man who is calm, rational, and in control, with firm, sure authority. A simple firm command to "stop this" or "that will be enough of that" is enough to send a shiver down our spines, when given with calm firm control. Note: it does not work when an argument has escalated to a yelling match, but when given in the beginning, when you first see things going down hill, it is enough to make us stop, and take heed.
Granted, we will stomp off, or huff for a few minutes, but we quickly see that you were in control, and you were saving us from a long day of bickering. Then we are thankful, and oh, so very attracted to you! Try it sometime. Next time she is becoming irrational, starting to protest loudly or disrespectfully, or you know it is the beginning of what will be a LONG argument, before you let it escalate, look her square in the eye and in the most commanding, but calm tone you can muster say "THAT will be enough! This stops right here, right now!" Maybe even tell her "you need to go ________ and sit and calm down, then if we still have issues we will talk." Watch her reaction, she will be shocked, she may begin to protest (you must not let her, tell her "NO! Not now! Go think about your actions! "). She will walk off sulking, but then, give her some time, just a few minutes to think. She will be calmer, willing to talk calmly, and well... by night fall, "you are the man!".
Ok, so are you beginning to see where this is going? It is NOT about anything other than your leadership role. She wants a leader, and she wants that leader to be you.
2. I married a strong, independent woman, a partner, I did not marry someone that was easily pushed around, I don't want to dictate her life, I don't want a yes woman. I don't want to make all her decisions for her, I do not want to be her brain and soul, and isn't she a grown woman capable of holding herself accountable?
A: Yes, you did, and yes she is, and no you don't, and yes she is... and guess what; she agrees completely. She wants to be a partner, a helpmate, a support, a friend and a confidant. She does not want a dictator, a disciplinarian, or to become a mindless drone. She only wants to give you your place as head of household, and wants to give you the final decision making abilities that are rightfully yours. She will still be independent in the world. She will still be able to run the household. She will still be able to care for the house and children. She will still be able to function as a normal, adult, independent, decision making, opinionated woman.
However, she will be doing so more with more respectful consideration of your wishes. When she disagrees she will do so respectfully. When she has something to say, she will be grown up enough to say it. She will appreciate the fact that you value and weigh her opinions in all areas, but she will defer the final decision to you, knowing you have heard and considered her input. No partnership consists of equals, in the real world. Someone has the final say. In this world, and the world of your home, that person is you.
Don't worry, she will still cast her vote, and you will know what she is thinking. She isn't asking you to do anything alone, but she will do so respectfully because she will have a renewed respect for you. She is telling you no matter what, agree or disagree she will support you 100%, above all else but God, she will stand by you. All of this is a benefit you gain just from you asserting authority, and not even the physical kind.
3. I am not worthy. I am no good. I am a sinner, a backslider, a ________. I am not living in God's will right now, my prayer life is not where it should be, and my life is not where it should be. I am not perfect. I don't know how to lead; I don't like to lead; I don't want to lead. I don't know where to begin. She has been easier to get along with if she does it; it is easier just to putter along. She is more spiritual than me. Why do I have to do this? Why me?
A: Because you are the MAN. God made you a man; not her. The Bible says you are the head of your home, the head of your wife, and the one held accountable. If you are not right with God, if your prayer life if lacking, if your relationship with God is lacking, then you alone can fix that. This will even help, because as you lead, you will need leadership, and you will find yourself relying on God more and more.
Don't worry about messing up, you will. You are not perfect; she is not perfect; only God and His Son are perfect. So go ahead and take the reigns, drive the buggy, and pray along the way. She can't lead, she isn't meant to lead. She can be a helper to you; she is suppose to be, and you should expect her to be, but she can't drive the buggy. It isn't her responsibility.
If you think she is more spiritual than you, then you would be WRONG, no one human is more spiritual than another. Some are just choosing to walk closer to God than others. That is a decision you can make, something you can change. God is always in the same place, (everywhere all the time), it is you who chooses how close to HIM you will walk.
4. Why has she asked me to hold her accountable in some form? Why can't she be accountable for herself? She is a grown woman, isn't this just a way of shirking her responsibilities off on me?
A: No! No! And again NO! She IS a grown up, she IS responsible for herself; she IS capable of holding herself accountable and she IS capable of being responsible for her own actions. What she is asking for is your help, and your guidance. She knows her weak areas better than anyone and some of those areas; try as she may, she can't overcome, so she needs an incentive or a consequence, just like any human.
Incentives and consequences...
- Incentive - you go to work, you work, you get paid
- Consequence - you don't go to work, you slack off, you get fired
- Incentive - you drive safely and obey the laws, you continue to drive
- Consequence - you don't, and you get a fine and lose your privileges
Simple as that. It does not make your boss or the officer responsible for your actions; you, knowing the benefit and/or consequence, chose what action you would take.
Following are some examples:
- Your wife doesn't exercise, then you add thirty minutes to her routine and do it with her.
- She doesn't eat right, says she doesn't have time; you help her make a menu, a meal plan; she sticks to it, or she writes you a thousand word essay on the dangers of unhealthy eating.
- She gets a speeding ticket, then she doesn't drive for a set amount of time, or only drives to work, church, or school, etc.
- She goes over on the checking account; she loses access and lives on what you give her.
- She becomes disrespectful or argumentative; she can go sit alone in a quiet room, and think about it, and have an answer for why, when you decide she has had ample time to think about it.
- She endangers her life, the life of the children, the security of your home, becomes irrational, a screaming monster, abusive, or absolutely out of control, or when other consequences just don't seem to be making the point, then it may be time to consider that corporal punishment she brought up.
She is asking you to help her get control of herself and to help her hold herself accountable. Women are emotional creatures; we live by emotion, but sometimes we can't control those emotions, and sometimes we need an emotional release. If you notice some odd or improper behavior repeating, then chances are we just need a release, do NOT deny us that. As men, you are rational, and can't fathom the idea of what we are asking you, but you must trust us when we say this will only INCREASE our respect for you. We want you to be authoritative and strong, yet gentle and loving when the time comes.
Women are attracted to strong, in control man, which is the reason why so many women fall for "controlling" men. They are looking for that man that can love them unconditionally, with all his heart, yet stand up to them and protect them not only from the forces and evils of the world, but from their own inner demons and emotional irrationality.
Unfortunately in today's world, men who still want to be in control, often times do so by using abuse, or they are on a power trip. Other men, for fear of being called an abuser, will not take the place as head of their homes. Why, you might ask? Because women's liberation, society, and the independent strong women they married have told them they are NOT to be in control of anything.
If you have ever tried to step up and take that control in your home you have likely been pushed back down, by the same woman who now comes to you saying, "Here honey, I am giving the reigns to you", so it is no wonder you are confused and scared. What she is telling you is she has always wanted you to have that control, but until now she was afraid to admit it to anyone but herself, for fear of "being old fashioned" or "anti-woman". It has taken her time to dump all the trash that her brain has been polluted with all these years. It has taken time to see that being feminist and being a Godly wife and mother are not polar opposites.
Women deserve equal treatment in the work place, in their homes, in life in general. Christ said we are all equal in Him. Women are not second class citizens; that is a fact. But, in a home, like in a corporation, there is an order, and everyone must submit to someone, all are valuable to God the CEO, but everyone can't be in control all the time. Christ submits to God, man submits to Christ, woman submits to man, everyone submits to their government and the authorities, so long as the one they are submitting to does not ask them to go against the Laws of God. We all submit to God, but God has placed different authorities over us, and we are to submit to them as if submitting to God. Read Corinthians through Revelations for more information on submission, and roles of men and women.
Your wife is trying to be submissive, she is trying to be the Proverbs 31 wife, but without your lead, she has nothing to follow. YO!!!!!!!!
5. So you haven't said anything about corporal punishment. Everything else she brought to me talked about it like it was the only option. Why, if what she really wants is my leadership and authority would she bring me a bunch of information on "that"?
A: Well there are several reasons WHY, one of the first being, because when you are searching for information on traditional marriage roles, or Biblical marriage roles, that comes up a lot. The other reasons are, after figuring out she needs you to lead, after figuring out she needs some accountability, and after reading all the information there is out there, she has realized that "that" could be a very effective tool.
She wants you to know that she trusts you enough, and knows you would not use it or any authority as a power trip, and that you would not abuse her. So whether or not you take her up on the offer, that is up to you because she is giving you control. She is saying, "I trust you COMPLETELY to do what you need to do, to help me be who I want and need to be, for myself, my God, my children and you."
Another reason is likely that she wants you to know you have that option without fear of being left a single divorced man, because she realizes there are certain things she may need help with that may warrant something calm, swift and severe. However, whether or not you use physical consequences is up to you. I have written another article called "The Beginning Rules of CDD from a CDD WOMAN". You can read that for further information on why women want and ask for physical consequences to go along with their man's authority and leadership.
In conclusion, just KNOW that no matter what she has brought you thus far, this is NOT AT ALL about corporal punishment, fetish spankings, or wanting to get beat into submission. NOT AT ALL... It is about YOUR leadership and her WILLING submission to you because she wants to SUBMIT to God, and to submit to HIM she must submit to you, and all must be done willingly.
So, like it or not, you are the leader.
It is up to you how you will lead, and when you will step up and take that lead. Maybe you already have, and maybe this is her way of saying she needs more authority, more consequences, a stern word, a lost privilege, a moment alone, whatever you deem appropriate. That is what she is willing to follow, because she does not want control; she wants you in control and she wants to follow. She wants clear cut boundaries. She wants to FEEL your masculinity, your authority and your calm, take-charge control. It is only natural. It is what women are attracted to, it is what we desire, and it is what makes her DESIRE you. I promise you will benefit in more ways than you could ever dare to imagine ;o).
So get up, take those reigns and tell that mule to giddy'up, and if it don't throw a little sting to it's hind quarters, playfully first of course. ;o) Remember authority in a man is a turn on for a woman. You will have to read the article entitled "DD is Hot" on the Taken In Hand website, for more info on that aspect. God designed us this way for a reason. That is why a man in authority and a submissive wife, are the happiest couples on the planet, and probably the most in love, and most sexually active.
Now that you know what your wife "REALLY" wants, talk about it, try to understand her, and try to meet her needs. If she has asked you for the physical, but you just can't bring yourself to do that, well then at LEAST give her some occasional "me man, you woman" stinging swats either in passing, or when she is getting a bit feisty or sassy... you know the kind, the ones that make her go "Mmm hmmm, He's a man, my man, and he is in control!". The "I'm HIS girl...." kind of playful, or warning swats. You can't imagine just how good they make her feel. Oh, she will say "ow!" feign a pout, or even give you the old "What was that for?!", but deep down she is shivering at your "manliness", and thinking, "Hmm, I had better watch myself or he may just take me over his knee", and the thought of that causes her to tremble with excitement, anticipation, fear and feelings beyond words.
I will make one final confession, and I bet if your wife were brave enough she would too... Many, many times before I was brave enough to approach my husband with this subject, even years before, when I would do silly things, like overspend, or pay a bill late, I would secretly hope that at some point he would be stern enough to just turn me over his knee and wear me out. Not because I was a freak and the thought of pain turned me on, NOT AT ALL. It was just because I was longing, aching, to feel his authority in some way. It wasn't in a manipulative way. I didn't plan to do those things, but when I realized I had messed up, and before he found out, I would fantasize about him coming home and taking matters in hand. The thought of pain terrified me, but the thought of my man taking that place, that authority, that appealed to me.
Now mind you, I did NOT ever do anything like that on purpose not even once. He never even knew what I was thinking then. Even if he had known, to try and force him into "that" would be/is manipulative, dishonest, and just down right wrong.
I am simply saying that the times I did screw up or do something silly,
- I wanted to be reminded not to do it again
- I would think about him coming through the door seeing/hearing what I had done, and instead of us having a nagging or yelling match about it (which we often did) I would imagine him taking me by the hand leading me across his knee...
If you can understand it, men; I needed, wanted, longed, ached for that type of authority...
I just wanted to know he was in control, that he would do what was needed, that I would feel a release, that we would not fight, and that all would be forgiven.
I was not longing for the weird BDSM, little slave girl kind of pretend play.
NO, I wanted more.
I was longing for the manly, "You messed up; this will hurt; I don't like this but I will do it anyway, because I love you and I love us, and so you don't do that again".
The calm in control, manly kind of authority. The kind of authority that is real life, everyday life, not a game or a fetish. The type of authority that men have used for years. The kind of authority that has been in the closet for the past 30+ years. The kind of authority men once knew they had and their wives knew they had, when men were men and women were women, and everyone knew the difference.