What Kind of Leader Are You?
By: Josh S.
I am continually amazed at this thing called marriage. I am amazed at how, after 23 years it can still be wonderful each and every day. I am amazed that it never gets old. Mostly I am amazed that she still wants to come home to me!!!
Sadly, I am also amazed at how few people ever realize the wonder of what they have right there in their hands. I was a pastor for 14 years before becoming a cop (the people are a lot nicer! Kidding! Don't scowl at me like that) and I dealt with an innumerable amount of people who fought, scratched, clawed, and were determined to go out and find exactly what they had right in their own home! What more can a man ask than a wife and children? Notice I didn't say a good wife a well behaved children, those things don't come by accident. More often than not, they come from the leadership of the man.
There is no lack for women that no sane man would want to be married to. Just look around your church and try to imagine being cooped up with some of those women for awhile and you begin to realize why her husband's hair looks like its been pulled out by the roots. You can wonder if he did the pulling or if she did. What I have come to realize though is that most of the fault rests, not on her shoulders but on ours as the men of the house.
What kind of a leader are you? If you were under a leader that led as you do, how would you feel about that? I can't count the amount of couples that I counseled down through the years that could have had a great marriage if the man would have just treated his wife the way he would want to be treated. Isn't that what Eph. 5: 28-29 tells us?
I think too often in the DD community we try to focus on making a woman a better wife, and rightfully so but we sometimes forget to demand good leadership from the husband! My definition of leadership is not how to give orders, lay down demands, make rules, demand respect, etc., but rather it's simply making decisions, not for our own good, or to fulfill our desires, but for and only for the welfare of those under our authority.
You expect respect from your wife, not to make you feel in control or to make a statement, but because your wife needs to respect you in order for her to feel fulfilled and complete. God made her a helper and by being what God made her is the only way she will ever really feel completely whole. So, when she's disrespectful, discipline her but do it in the attitude of helping her not in order to boost your ego. The same goes for any infraction she may commit. Make rules for her for her good. Correct her for her good. Everything you do with, for or to her, make sure your doing it for her good.
Insisting on making the decisions on where your going to eat, what shows your going to watch, where your going to sit at church, etc. doesn't show you as a leader. They show insecurity. Let her be the keeper at home! Let her sit where she wants to sit, go where she wants to go, watch what she wants to watch. As a good leader, you will only correct when necessary.
For example; some men require the wife to get permission whenever she leaves the house or demands that she tell him every move she makes and everyone she talks to. That's an insecure man and that insecurity breeds insecurity in her.
A leader will let her be free. If she wants to go shopping and it's in the budget, she should feel free to go shopping. If she feels like going to her friend Betty Sue's house, that's up to her. Now, if you have laid down some guidelines, not due to your insecurity but rather for her good, and she purposely steps outside of those guidelines, by all means discipline her.
I think a wise man will have a curfew for his wife. He does so for her own good and safety. He should be very strict with it and if she fails to be in by her curfew, she needs to face consequences. She will know that you made that curfew for her own good; after all, this is a dangerous world we live in.
If you make her get permission to blow her nose, run to the store, or go to a friend's house, she also knows that you didn't do that for her good but rather you made those rules due to your own insecurity and poor leadership. It will be extremely hard for her to accept your discipline. She may lie over your knee and let you have your way but real deep work that is needed won't get done. In her heart, she won't respect you.
In closing, (see, I still have that preacher thing going, lol) I challenge all men to evaluate their leadership and determine if you're the kind of leader that you could cheerfully follow. If we fix the men, the women usually follow without too much trouble!