Our Journey

From a forum member

My wife and I have been doing CDD now for about 6 months. In that time I have seen our relationship go from one that was a constant battle between us, to one that has really blossomed. My wife and I are happier now than we ever have been before. I thought that someone might get some new insights into this CDD thing from my experiences. It seems that my wife and I have come a long way, very quickly.

A little background first:

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. It has not been smooth sailing. We have worked out a lot of problems, but there always seemed to be an underlying problem that we just couldn't solve. That problem has always surfaced and caused problems for us in every little situation we had to work out. In order to work out any problem, we would have to come to an unmentioned, undiscussed agreement not to bring back up the underlying problem. This underlying problem always prevented any real progress in our relationship.

Then along comes CDD. We had been exposed to this years ago, and thought "These people must be crazy!", or "Who would do that?". But then again, we never understood it, or for that matter, never even tried to understand it. Well, after about a month of trying to understand and practice CDD, what a difference. What used to stymie all of our progress, now seemed to have no effect. It really brought our relationship, and our family, to a new level of love and cooperation.

Eventually, a while after we began CDD, my wife actually realized that what had happened in the past, was long gone and over. She realized she no longer had to worry about those things. She realized that I had forgiven her years ago, held no grudge toward her, and had forgiven her immediately after every fight. She realized I was in this relationship to stay, and that I would never leave or abandon her. I was fully committed to making this relationship work. With this realization, she was able to more easily submit to me and know that CDD would work for us.

Even with this though, CDD was not actually working well. My wife was not happy with it. Sometimes she would say "That's it... I quit!" When she would do this, I would listen to her and just go back to what I was doing before. The next time there was any conflict, I would just let her rant and never say anything. I would listen to her, but never rebut anything she said.

This cold approach, even though it was not inflaming the situation, was ripping her apart inside. I would just go about my business like nothing happened, but I would not start any conversations with her. She was a stay-at-home mom, and there was no one else for her to talk to. After about 5 days, we would finally have a confrontation and she would ask me why I was treating her like this. I would remind her that she had said, in essence, "CDD was over", and she had removed her consent to be disciplined. She would then say "You must be kidding, I didn't really didn't mean that". We would talk and I would tell her that I would try not to let that happen again.

Well, this happened about 3 times before we realized that this had to stop. She promised not to say, "I quit", and I promised not to listen to her if she did say, "I quit". The next time she said, "I quit", and that she wasn't going to let me discipline her, I just "folded her in two". I lifted her legs up and put them up by her head, what some people call the "diaper" position, and proceeded to administer her discipline. Within a few seconds, she begged to be let go, and promised that she would submit. This was a VERY humiliating position for her to be in and she says that she NEVER wants to be in that position again! Now, anytime she becomes stubborn about not needing discipline, all I have to do is threaten, or grab her leg and she instantly submits. (She must really HATE that position!)

So this brings me to the heart of this post:

Epiphany #1: CDD never ends

You can't quit. Never let her quit either!

After this realization on my part, (she had already realized this), the main thing I had to work on was...

Epiphany #2: Always be the HOH

I let my wife make the everyday decisions, like what's for dinner, and what she wants to do for fun. But any of the major things, like disciplining the kids, I decide. This takes quite a burden off of her, but she doesn't always agree with my decisions.

She thinks I am being too lenient on the kids and I have to explain my reasons to her. She doesn't think it's fair when she gets punished for an argument with our oldest son, but he doesn't get punished. Sometimes, she jumps in and aggravates the situation while I am trying to teach a lesson. I have to tell her she never gets disciplined for what our son does, but rather for her actions in the situation.

Being the HoH means I take charge in any family situation that I see getting out of hand. I step in and what I say goes. I now require my wife to say, "Yes Sir", any time I use her name and tell her to do something. This has worked wonders for her understanding that I am in control of the situation and she must obey. This requires her immediate submission to my authority and puts her in a submissive mindset. This has also caused a favorable response in the kids, even though I do not require them yet to say, "yes sir". My wife is now setting a good example and the kids will soon follow. The entire family now knows that I am in charge and what I say goes. There is no longer any attempt to "convince Mom" into getting their way.

And as the HOH, I need to remember...

Epiphany #3: Perfection

I don't need to be perfect, I just need to be in charge.

Everybody makes mistakes, but I know that when things are bad, God is always there with me. He is holding my hand and carrying me through the tough spots. God wants ME to be in charge of MY family and following Him. If He feels like I need some rough times to build my character, then like Job says, "Even if he slays me, still I will follow". Following the will of God assures me and my family a place in heaven. But I also know, just as the loving father He is, He only wants GOOD things for me! I have yet to miss a meal or see my family go without what they need. God is the "C" in CDD.

Once I remember to always be the HOH, (and to stay in charge) this leads me to...

Epiphany #4: Consistency

This I believe is one of the keys to CDD. Consistency means always being alert to infractions and knowing when she is being disrespectful, disobedient, or breaking any of the rules. She KNOWS when she is breaking the rules or stepping out of line. She is always watching to see what my response is going to be. If I do nothing or have a weak response, the next infraction just gets worse. It always builds until I recognize it. I have picked up on it a few times and thought, "oh, that's just a slip, she is trying to be good, she won't slip again." Unfortunately, that never is the case. At least, not so far since we have begun CDD.

If I think that she has crossed the line, she has! If I get a hint that she has just been disrespectful, she was! I have found that she can be very subtle when she knows she is crossing the line. I have decided to discipline her a few times and when I ask her if she knows why, she always has more of an offense on her mind than what I had picked up on! I picked up on a subtle hint once and as I prepared to discipline her, I worried, "Oh no, maybe she wasn't being disrespectful". So, I asked her, and "Yep"! She admitted she was! I have yet to discipline her for some thing she didn't do. There always seems to be something.

Along with #4 comes...

Epiphany #5: Don't delay

The sooner you address it, the better.

This has really made a big difference, and I am still working on this. As I mentioned earlier, a weak response, or worse, no response, just makes things spiral downhill. If I wait until the end of the day to discipline my wife, sometimes there has been so much buildup in disrespect and disobedience, that I find myself becoming tired and discouraged. This is terrible because it shows weakness, and just like the "Law of the Jungle", the weak don't survive. The problem is, what is at stake is my relationship with my wife, and my marriage. I need to show strength and be that firm foundation that my marriage can stand on.

When I recognize the need for discipline early, it only take a few swats to counter right away. What can be fixed with ten swats at noon spirals into many more by night time. It also causes more infractions to pile on. When you swat the dog for starting to paw the trash bag, you don't have to beat the dog later for tearing up the trash and scattering it all over the yard. (I am NOT comparing anyone to a dog!)

The look on my wife's face when I grab her right after she makes a subtle remark or a slight infraction, is like a little kid who knows she is in trouble. She is instantly sorry for what she has done. Ten swats later, she has a whole new attitude and is thanking me for the discipline and apologizing for the inconvenience of having to spank her! Later, she thanks me again because she knows that she was on her way to spiraling into a terrible day.

This one thing alone has made the biggest difference in our day to day relationship. She knows that the real reason for CDD is to get her character fit for heaven! By watching her closely and correcting her immediately, she never gets a chance to make the big infractions that she believes will keep her out of Heaven. This also keeps me thinking of the right way to live. It is hard to punish someone for something you do yourself.

Knowing that you will never quit, remembering that you are the HOH and in charge, consistently enforcing the rules, and punishing all infractions as soon as possible, I believe, has made our CDD marriage work well, and it is still getting better. Praying together before our nightly maintenance tends to keep us on the same page and helps us to remember the "C" in CDD. God continues to bless our marriage. Seeing how CDD has worked for us just gives us such hope for anyone else that is willing to try this. We know that it has saved our marriage and can make any marriage better.

Blessings to all.