Deanna's Testimony

CDD is not Domestic Violence

Dear friend,

First of all, I wanted to say thank you so much for your site. It is a ministry and a gift to my husband and I, as we are working on becoming what God wants us to be.

Secondly, I have run across several of the discussions on the site where people have called what we do "violence" or "abuse." I know that you do not have time to respond to all those who question our viewpoint, but I was really thinking about some of their comments, and I wanted to address them, mainly through my own testimony. However, I wanted you to see my comments first, so you could decide if they were appropriate for posting, or perhaps, to put in one section for others to read as another "explanation" for our view. If you don't decide to post this, I will trust your decision as moderator.

I am very concerned about the fact that people continue to refer to violence in their questions, such as "I believe that my husband is the head of our home, and I believe that I need to submit to him and the Lord everyday, but I don't see the need for violence." Everything in me wants to respond to this and let them know the difference that I know to be true. The definitions of "violence" are: a.) an exertion of physical force, so as to injure or abuse; b.) intense, turbulent, or furious and often destructive action or force. "Abuse" is the act of physical maltreatment, which means to treat cruelly or roughly. This doesn't even come close to what we do.

Many, many years ago, I was abused by my first husband, a non-Christian, who literally hit and kicked me very often. I was deathly afraid of him. There was no love, no gentleness to his actions; just cold, hard hurting. I submitted out of fear for my life, not out of love. I was able to escape, by the grace of God, and then I married a man who loved God, me, and my childen. However, I had decided that I was not going to be somebody's punching bag ever again, so I exerted my own control and power over this man, and he let me do it. I was verbally hateful and cruel to him. My children saw this, and began to become rebellious towards him, as well.

Our relationship was horrible, to say the least. We moved and began attending a new church, where Godly submission was exhibited and spoken of regularly, without shame. Over time, God really opened my eyes to see that the exact same thing had happened to my mother, and she had reacted the same way I did, although she has never changed. She still controls my father in every way, so that was the example I had to live with. I began to realize that I wanted a relationship like those I had seen in my church.

So, I began looking things up online that I thought would help. Somehow I came across a DD site, and I started to wonder if this would work for us. I knew I wanted my husband to lead our family, as the burden and guilt of my sin was becoming more difficult to carry. I prayed a lot, asked God's forgiveness, asked my husband's forgiveness, and continued on in my same behavior. I asked my husband to consider spanking, and he was very hesitant, at first. When I explained that I really wanted to try it, he agreed. So, we set up a bunch of rules and began.

He spanked me a couple of times, but when I realized how quickly I began to look up to him, I began to "brat." This, unfortunately, turned him off completely, because I was always reminding him that I needed (a.k.a. wanted) a spanking, and I was getting mad when I didn't get it. Our relationship returned to its former state, although now it was worse because of this uncontrollable need within me to have a leader in our home other than me, and my attempts to make it happen.

Then I came across this website. Here was somebody who talked about submitting to your husband, even if he doesn't take control all the time. I immediately thought this couldn't be right, so I dismissed it. Then God started prodding my heart with thoughts of how I needed to do this. So, I made a decision to try my best to do that; to defer to him questions about the kids, questions about finances, even questions about what he wanted for dinner (which I had never asked before). Slowly, my husband started doing things that were new, like asking me to fix him ice water when he was working outside, telling me that he preferred if I wouldn't do something, and hugging/kissing me hello or goodbye (which he had long since stopped doing). I saw that this could really work.

Recently, I asked him to consider CDD again, and he said he wanted to think about it. I apologized for my "bratting" before, and let him know that I know how frustrated he must have felt with it, and that whatever his decision was, I would try my best to be submissive anyway. Then I prayed really hard! He has agreed to try it again, and I have not even earned a spanking yet, yeah! He has even posted on the website to ask for some advice from other men (this would have been unheard of before). We are growing everyday, the kids are beginning to once again respond respectfully (which was difficult to change, and I shouldn't have caused that in the first place), so we are grateful to God for everyday.

The difference between this and my former marriage is the fact that I am engaging in loving submission, rather than fearful submission. I want to submit to him, and he is truly becoming a "servant leader." He still wants my opinion, my input, and even my debate. However, he is beginning to demand that it be done respectfully and without complaining or whining. He still helps with the laundry (what a nice guy!) and we no longer have bunches of rules. But, I know he loves me, and I know he would never abuse, maltreat, or use violence on me. He does spank me, but it is done in love; not angry, not rough, not cruel; and I am trust him completely without fear or reservation.

That, in my opinion, is the difference between violence/abuse/worldly submission and spanking/loving submission.

Sorry this became so lengthy. Please do with it whatever you like.

Your Sister in Christ,